Most relationships struggle with not sliding in to the monotony of daily life.  As a couple, you might talk about the business of the relationship such as where the kids need to be when, finances, groceries, etc. When it comes to talking about your day or your life, many couples answer with “fine” or “the usual” or “Ugh.. I’m always behind!”.

In a LEO marriage, where there is a different kind of stress to both partners and shift work, the struggle of connecting takes on additional meaning.  Not only are you tired, but most of the time you are just trying to shake off the shit that you saw or spent time dealing with and clearing your head to spend what little time you do have in a positive way with your spouse and family.

As a new officer, my husband shared a lot about his shift.  Every day was something new and it was exciting to him to be involved in situations at work.  He would often come home and tell me what had happened.  As time went on, he shared less and less.  I would ask, “How was work” and responses I started to get were:

“Fine”

“Same shit different day”

“You know… the general public are morons”

“I don’t want to talk about it.  I’m just glad to be home”

Maybe you can relate.

It wasn’t because nothing was happening.

There was a lot of violence targeted toward the police in 2016.  Living north of the DFW area, it hit close to home.  It took few degrees of separation to understand how close.  A friend of a friend was a family member of the DART officer that was killed.  Just this past week, an officer was killed in Little Elm, Texas, a bedroom community outside of Dallas.  In the almost 17 years that I have been a wife of an officer, I have not experienced more fear for my husband and our friends in multiple departments than I do currently.  The fear and anxiety I felt during 9-11 and after was different.  This just seems much more personal.

My husband just spent time at the range this week leading a firearms training and working with officers on tactical shotgun manipulation, skills and drills.  He loves this part of his job and loves teaching and mentoring other officers.  Their attitudinal approach toward the training effected their success during the training.  Some were confident with their abilities and did well.  Others weren’t confident but wanting to learn.  Others were confident with their abilities to the point of carelessness.  And then the final group were not confident and made excuses for their lack of ability and desire to learn and blamed or even criticized the instructor. I realized that there are similar attitudes and approaches in relationships. 

Working frequently with law enforcement, I come up with several creative metaphors to help to link and connect.  I’m grateful that I know the lingo and processes of various things.  This gives you a little insight into how my mind works to create that connection to concepts in the field and in your relationship.

Many times I have a couple that is trying to be perfect in their response to their partner.  This might be a change of behavior, a new love language, or a reflection of empathy.  Instead of leaping, they wait and wait until they think they have the perfect response.  Sometimes there is no response or action at all because they “don’t want to make it worse” or “don’t want to get it wrong”.  This is actually a common problem because of the tension that may be between you or even the distance because you haven’t been able to connect.

Staying connected with your kids is difficult for just about everyone.  Many times, families get caught up in the business of the family such as chores, errands, the management of everyone’s schedules, and who is going to chauffeur the kids where and when.  Add in staying connected to your kids while you are on shift or working overnights as an officer and it seems near impossible.  You miss not only the little moments but some of the big moments in their lives simply because of the work or sleep.

Control seems to be a common theme and dare I say goal among all the officers I work with and a common complaint among those married to them.  It translates to my own relationship as well as my friends who are in the field.  So, let’s look at control and how the positive attribute/ability for one partner hurts the other partner so greatly.

Control from an officer stand point is key.  Controlling emotions.  Controlling a crowd.  Controlling a scene.  Controlling breath to be able to hit a target when God forbid it is necessary.  Without control, an officer has chaos.  Chaos equals danger.  Thus, control is BLISS!  Control is safety.  Control means coming home to the person or people I love.  Control means going to family functions, events, and vacation!  Control is not just necessary but life sustaining.